Thursday, March 18, 2010

I am in a WEIRD mood. Hopefully This Update Doesn't Become a Downer.

Let's see here. So, my trip to Denver was great. I stayed at my Uncle Michael & Aunt Sandi's house. I've spent a pretty good portion of my life having mixed feelings about my Aunt Sandi, but we really had a good time. The first couple of days were mellow. My brother and I hung out and went to pho, played Super Mario for Wii, got pulled over on the way to Wendy's at 2 AM. You know, the usual *lol*. Ben came for a couple of days. He really liked it there which was exciting for me because I would like to end up there sometime in the next year or 2 or 3.. Just depends on what kind of stupid fucking curve ball life decides to throw at me next. Ben and I went to Dave & Busters which was a lot of fun! It's a lot easier to get drunk in Colorado... thanks to the elevation. I ended up calling to college in Reno to see if there were any openings for a Certified Nursing Assistant program that is starting March 26. There were, so I started the process of trying to get into that....

My dad ended up buying me a plane ticket to Reno to try to get into the class. The only problem was that there were a lot of things I needed to do. 2 TB skin tests, CPR class, vaccinations. Needless to say, the class filled up. So, I can't take it until July. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this can happen. It would be even better if Ben could get into the class too, but it's not looking good. He probably can't afford it, that sucks.

I kind of wish he would be a little more motivated and stop worrying about buying things that, in my humble opinion, are not priorities. The fact that he's had times in his life where he's had a pretty big chunk of money is kind of annoying to me because he gets caught up on the fact that he doesn't have that money anymore. It just irritates me because I don't understand why he can't light the fire under his ass to try to make that money again. As much as I am pretty spoiled, I've never had the money to buy really expensive things. My dad has always bought those things for me :-D Thank goodness for that. I just don't ever desire things I can't afford because it's pointless. I've had enough shit happen in my life the last few years. The last thing I need to do is remind myself that I am poor, nowhere near where I thought I would be at this age, and struggling.

At no point in my life did I wake up and think... "when I get older, I want to struggle just to get by and wonder when I will ever finish college, if I'll ever be able to afford to have kids, and if I'll ever get my head above water" Being in the position I am now was just never and option for me. Now it's more like a reality. It makes me sick to my stomach that friends that I had when I was younger have so many of the things in life that I want, but can't have because it's just not the right time. People who's parents wanted them to hang out with me because I was a good influence. I'm just tired of having to prove myself 10 times more than most people.

I'm so sick of being told how strong I am after what I went through with UC. Whatever, fuck it... it's all said and done. I can't use it for the reason why I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this age. (23 tomorrow to be exact). I should use it as the reason because in all reality it's the truth, but I don't want to explain that to people. It's SO fucking frustrating.

In lighter news. The following things are very exciting: Dad bought a Land Rover from their neighbor and Denver and I think he's going to give it to me, Ben and I moved into an apartment in Reno, and New Found Glory/Saves the Day concert tomorrow. I think it's just Las Vegas that depresses me. That, and being away from Ben. It's like.. it doesn't matter that we have no money, being near him and seeing him makes everything feel so much better. It's frustrating that my parents aren't all that enthused about my decision.

My mom, while she says she understands and respects my decision, really doesn't respect and understand it. I just tell myself that while their marriage works, she tolerates and puts certain things aside that I would not be okay with. The thing I love about my relationship with Ben is that he loves me and absolutely adores me. Everyone who knows him, knows that about him. I can tell just in the way that he looks at me. And while "I deserve better" I find myself thinking... "better how?".. More money? Money doesn't make love and bonds stronger. Stability, maybe.. but I'm unstable due to circumstances out of my control and I'm trying to fix that. What's better than someone who loves me unconditionally and radiates that about them to the point where I'm not the only one who can tell? Yeah, he pisses me off sometimes, but so do a lot of people that I care about.

Oh, so my dad interviewed for a job in Africa.. wow, I think he may ACTUALLY end up in Africa. Holy shit.

I came to the realization that 2 of my closest friends in Vegas are the most selfish people I know. I make the decision to go back to Reno for the time being. This isn't even necessarily a permanent thing. They both managed to fall off the face of the earth. Awesome. Funny how that works. I do something for myself and I'm an asshole.

Chantal and Marky are pretty much my 2 favorite people in the world right now. We are going to the concert tomorrow. Thomas will be there too. Marky and I are going for drinks before they get off work. It'll be good times.

I'll try to post some pictures onto this post, I just don't have them right now. I got a new phone. A Palm Pixi. It's pretty great.